Military Grandpa

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Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran’s hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasted another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.

 

posted from http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Military/Veterans’_Talk.shtml

Died in Service

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A Pastor was standing near a little boy one Sunday morning before Memorial Day. The little boy was staring at a bulletin board covered with pictures.

The little boy asked, “Who are all those people?”

“People who died while in the service,” the Pastor replied.

The little boys eyes got really big. With quivering lips he said, “Which one, the 9:00 or the 11:00.”

 

Catholic shampoo

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Two nuns were shopping at a 7-Eleven store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand.”

“I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

“We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at the convent, we call it ‘Catholic shampoo.’ ”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

Pernys Problem

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posted from a submission at http://singingmommy.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Prayer-Requests-Given-At-Church

My mother the sweet little pastors wife went to pick up an elderly saint. Bless her heart she only went through the third grade. She had a very distressed look on her face so Mom asked her, ” Perny whats the matter?” She said so upset,” It’s Ishmael their gonna have to remove his prostitute gland.”

Yes, she sure did, when they arrived at church she announced in front of the congregation, ” Pray for Ishmael their gonna do surgery and remove his prostitute.”

The church roared in laughter, my dad, the pastor was so dumbstruck. “Try leading a service after that!” “The poor lady still didn’t know what she said so funny.”

You should have come to me

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Menachim, a Jewish father was troubled by the way his son, Benjamin, had turned out, and went to see Rabbi Goldberg about it.

‘I brought Benjamin up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah; it cost me a fortune to educate him, then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?’ pleaded Menachim.

Funny, Menachim, that you should come to me,’ commented Rabbi Goldberg. ‘Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University; that cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian.’

‘What did you do?’ inquired Menachim

‘I turned to God for the answer,’ replied the Rabbi.

‘And what did He say?’ pressed Menachim.

‘God said, ‘Funny you should come to me……….’

Tell us how to run our business

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Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland.  One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David.

Both are holding hats to collect contributions.  People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross.  Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

Father O’Malley, the priest, watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, ‘Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country?  You’ll never get any contributions holding a Star of David.’

The man turns to the one with the cross and says, ‘Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?’

Dead Church

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A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, USA, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon. 

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the ‘funeral’.

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a ‘dead church‘, all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each ‘mourner’ peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. 

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

The Atheist and the Bear

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ‘What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!’, he said to himself. 

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. 

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: ‘Oh my God!…’

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

‘You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light.

‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very well, ‘said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: ‘Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.’

Saved by the Bell

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In 18th England they started running out of places to bury people.  Consequently, people would dig up coffins and take the bones to a ‘bone-house’ and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they clergy decreed that they should tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the ‘graveyard shift’) to listen for the bell.

Thus, someone could be ‘saved by the bell’.  Also they could be considered a ‘dead ringer.’